I will walk along these hillsides in the sun beaneath the sunshine I am feathered by the moonlight falling down on me

change. it's a difficult pill to swallow and an even harder step to take. We don't like it, we're not used to it, and when it finally arrives we are surprised for willing it into our doorstep. But the truth of the matter remains and we choose our destiny as the choices are unveiled to us on this path. And ultimately the only path we have to take are the choices we've made along the way. And at the end of the road there are never clear answers or further truths revealed. On the contrary the end of the path brings about it further questions and twice as many paths to continue on. And I guess that is the reality of change, the fact that no matter how much change we seek the work always seems to duplicate and that happiness we seek is even less attainable. But that's just us, those of us not tied down to any certain ideal or thought, that ultimately the wind comes back up to call us on our next journey wherever that may be- we don't' predict it, we cannot plan it, it simply is, and the custom of allowing it to be becomes harder and harder as the years pass on. We tend to lose our true selves in the experiences we've had and molding who we are back into a concrete mold of someone who is mean to interact in a normal living environment seems harder than we were once used to. The coming back to something is always tough to imagine. The settlement which is a word I never wanted to use or even think of, because for me settling in less settling than thinking about multiple tortures at once. I cannot think of myself as someone who can commit to something other than the path right in front of me. So I guess the answer lies in my belief- if I take it as one day at a time scenario rather than a settling of my lifestyle- than the move becomes less of a stress and more of an enjoyment. I have to focus on the positive and forget the negative of the current live I leave... or in my case ignore the positive of my current life and listen to the new positives.. evolve, and grow in a way, learn and adapt and become who I am meant to be.. follow my passions and my intuition.

Mandame una senal

Hay veces que la vida nos da momentos que nos hacen parar en nuestras huellas, momentos en los que necesitamos esas pocas o muchas palabras de apoyo y amor. Momentos, en los cuales muchas veces lo unico que nos queda decir es- 'Mandame una senal' o hay que esperar para lo que tiene que venir.
There is a certain trust we place in life and a certain faith we have in ourselves and in our path that it becomes even more apparent in moments that cause us to freeze in our tracks or question the very tracks that have gotten us to this place to begin with.
The sun has officially announced it's vacation and has taken off for greener pastures and less wet environments, meanwhile the clouds have taken reign over the skies claiming all territories left behind by the sun as their own, and even today while I saw a sliver of the moon trying to fight back and show her lovely bright light, I saw for a split second the clouds take over the moon as well, engulfing around her in their mission of gray and gloom. So it's official- winter is here, and with it the hermits of London begin to shed their partying skin and homes become shelters from the cold and rooms become pods in which to hide away.
I bought myself some fresh flowers this weekend at portobello market to try and remind myself of the bright and cheerful exteriors that exist in our world and so far it has worked, although my purple flowers (not sure of the name) I'm sure Ash would know- anyway they seem to have wilted a bit faster than the pink geraniums I believe is what they are.. perhaps it's because the cute vase I bought at the antique market in which I placed the purple flowers used to be hundreds of years ago a container for poison.. but surely all the poison's gone from the bottle and the flowers should live on happy and bright- perhaps the purple flowers being closest to my bed, and closest to me come nightfall are simply reflecting my own hermit mood and this wilting feeling of succumbing to yet another winter.. but like most things in life- there is always a bright side, and in the while my pink flowers certainly provide this on top of my pink desk- the brighter side even is the travelling that shortly will meet my passport and the new stamps that will join the other 110 to create a collage of experiences never to be forgotten and memories that will live on within those who share them with me. I am so blessed to have the opportunity to look upon the bright side of what is to come.. for me that begins this Friday and will hopefully continue on until the last weekend I am here. It's no secret that my return back home has been a long time coming.. while most people expected me home in May, and most people were disappointed that I decided to stay back, this time it feels right. This time, I know that the time has come and the experiences I will have had up until December 19th will confirm that I am ready to go back to a settled (or more settled) lifestyle. To discover new things about my favorite city in the US as an adult living there as opposed to a teenager so many years ago. To start my life in a new direction chosen by me and the things I want to accomplish, to hold on to that eager new feeling of experiences had for the very first time. To pause in pure appreciation for a life that has been a long time coming, and a life that could not have happened had I not gone through all that I did to get there. And I know that the only sign I need is the one within my heart, the one that assures me that everything will end up ok and that I will end up on the path towards the journey that I was meant to take. I am confident in that feeling and I am sure that as my purple flowers wilt and my pink ones bloom, the only flowers that matter- are the ones as the quote in this blog state as I remember..."Do not stop and pick flowers to keep them, but walk and walk, because flowers keep themselves blooming throughout your journey" - Tagore.

The path

on which we may currently find ourselves on can often be the path you never thought you'd encounter. So many factors of your life seem so simple and often realized as actual decisions you would have made. While others, so strange in their appearance and feeling, are almost alien in your world of recognition.
Until one day your eyes seem to have opened a millimeter as if overnight. You wake up, and suddenly things aren't exactly as you remember them being, something is different, and you can't quite pinpoint if it's good or if it's a terrible thing that you have no idea. So you begin to question the decisions that have lead to this point and you begin to doubt. Simple things like I'll wait to leave for at least a year, and I will follow my passions, become so intertwined and a decision must ultimately be made. But it is not our decision to take. We leave it up to our spirit to feel the right path and know exactly where it has to go. We follow our spirit because we follow our passion and our hearts lead the way into the dreams we always knew we could realize.
The future becomes the present and we feel ourselves literally crossing the bridges onto a life of choice and action. It is almost as if an awakening is happening within ourselves and we are allowing ourselves to see the truth for once. We acknowledge our passion as a reality and no longer some distant dream which we hope to one day be brave enough to pursuit. And Life suddenly becomes that thing we always hoped we would have that actual reality that keeps us grounded into what's important in this life. Family, friends, and loved ones.
I am thrilled each and every day becomes this awakening, as it has finally happened to me. I have accepted the past 4 to 7 yrs of travelling as the beautifully blessing first part of my journey, that was my awakening to our world. To know our world and the many beautiful cultures and places within it is crucial for us to be able to truly know ourselves. To know who we become in the middle of devastating poverty. To look into the faces of forgotten children due to disease and birth defects. To know who I am as I become a mother to a 4 yr old girl with cerebral palsy. To know who I became as I lived among a village of a Ghanaian community, that became my family. To live on top of the mountains amongst the stars and the waterfalls. To take on the responsibility to become a chief of development for this village. To fall in love with 80 different children of all ages but all from poverty stricken families. Children who had to resort to drugs and theft to get by. Children who knew nothing about the release of communication through art and theater. Children who are now married and working and successful in their lives and still send me messages calling me Miss Natalie. Miss do you remember me?? And of course I do, each and ever day I remember these minor details of my path thus far. And I'm now beginning to see the transition of the awakening to myself and my life. It's scary but thrilling to be aware of, as it feels good to hold on to the first part of my journey and be able to look forward to adding the new to taking the next step and turning the page as the next chapter begins.

"One never reaches home, but wherever friendly paths intersect, the whole world looks like home for a time."

Given the fact that I can't remember the first time I was on a plane, because surely i was in diapers, i guess it's only natural that home to me is the world. And no matter where i go , I am able to appreciate the limitless boundaries that encompass home, and feel so blessed for the multitude of opportunities I have been granted to explore this home and take in as much of it as I am possibly able to.
With 8 weeks left in London I am starting to come to the sad, yet thrilling realization that I will no longer be allowed to travel with the ease and light expenses as I have been able to while in London- it is the doorstep to Europe and i have made it my doorstep to the rest of the world... because- well why not?!
So it should come as no surprise that for the 7 weekends I have left I will enjoy the friends and comforts of London for two of those weekends and travel for the remaining five. I just got back from a weekend trip of Stratford Upon Avon, Shakespeare's birthplace which I have been wanting to visit since before i moved to London (the first time!) So... here is a snippet from something i wrote while there:
October 23rd-
finally made it to the one place in the UK I have always wanted to visit. Not even 2 hrs after arriving by train and bus- I have come to love this place. The town is exactly what I'd imagine but better. I am currently sitting in the White Swan, after running in to get away from the rain which (thankfully) put a stop to my nearly £80 spend spree at the antique market-Only happening Today! Ah- it's like Stratford knew I was coming! I found the perfect pieces that I've been craving mainly old jewelry of course but also a little tin to add to my small collection, as well as an amazing bottle of poison to be used as a flower vase :) and a miracle pin and miracle necklace from Scotland -(my favorite buys) as well as an adorable flower alphabet book I love, love antique shopping. There's something in knowing the item you are purchasing has existed for hundreds or many many years before you- carrying with it many memories of past lives.- jewelry touched by the hands of nervous women as their husbands went off to war.- A cigarette holder, probably some travelling businessman coming back and forth from England to India in the 1940's purchased in India as an exotic relic, brought back to England and forgotten only to end up in my hands. I truly believe pieces find you.- wherever I am vintage shopping I follow a feeling- an energy that calls me to a certain stall to pick up or spot a certain item-and that is the piece that is meant to be mine that 80-95% of the time I absolutely must acquire. So.... back tot eh pub. - The white Swan, as I've come to find out used to be Shakespeare's local pub and hang out spot. beside me is a framed glass box, which contains within it, a feather quill and wax with different crests and sayings- there are:
Louisa Charlotte, Lord Dungannon, Earl of Grosvenor, The Anti-Slavery League, Falcon & Initials, A letter softens the pain of absence (my favorite), We part to meet again, Commissioners for building new churches 1818, The Angel Gabriel, and a couple of unknown crests. Which take me back to a different time where things were simpler and truths about circumstances didn't allow for question or paranoia. - I've come to resent modern day technology for love.- for everything else i welcome it, but for love, technology is the worst thing to use- even the sound of the word is everything but love.- anyway I miss the days when it was all about letter writing I wish we could go back to Ink and quill...and to a time when waiting for a letter to arrive and receiving a letter in the mail was a feeling nobody could take away and the smell of the folded older paper unveils its presence of the sender, or gives you a sense of comfort and calm.-Now it's all so automatic.-
Then I stopped.. i think I was distracted by some people watching in the pub... but the book I'm currently reading is quite quotable.. which I will include in here all together once the book is finished. And as a final resolution I want to write in my journal in ink and quill and have decided to write to my friends in ink and quill and bringing it back for as long as i am not moving around with nothing but a cheap hotel pen in my purse :)
So as of now Stratford has been experienced... in a big way.. and next on the list is
Nov. 6-7: Amsterdam or Edinburgh (TBD)
Nov. 12-14: Beirut! To catch up with Tamara!
Nov. 20-21: London (to unwind, start packing, AND a Jamie Oliver cooking class with Dawn *includes wine drinking as we cook a yummy pork belly roast yumm)
Nov. 27th-28th: Barcelona- can't wait to see the beautiful buildings and feel this city
Dec. 4-5: Bath, UK for a girls trip to explore the infamous Christmas market
Dec. 10-13: Marrakesh, Morocco- going to try to make it to Fes a well for the original morocco.
Dec 19th: Is my final fly out date to SFO.. hoping Jess will come visit so we can go home together if not then have two sets of visitors coming in soon.
Meli and gang will be coming in this week we are going to watch the 49ers game in London- what?! AND Lorena's Halloween, birthday, housewarming partay :) Then thanksgiving have Heather and Jose visiting from the big apple for the week which should be nice as well and will give me a chance to do some Londoney things before heading out...it seems time is something I always manage to intertwine myself in and somehow the time spent here while busy and full seems to pass by as slowly as the passing tide on a full moon.

Sun in the Wintertime

Can be a very misleading thing in a London day. For starters it looks beautiful outside, almost sunglasses wearing weather, and the minute you step outside your toes freeze and your nose is as red as a cherry- or maybe that's just me.
London's fall has come and gone in a matter of a day or half an evening...which is too bad because it's my favorite season of the year, but alas I will have to wait another year to experience the fall of the leaves for long enough to appreciate them without some blasted wind carrying them away into the abyss. In the time the leaves have come, I've settled back into my tiny room, finally unpacking my suitcases, and actually living in the room as opposed to staying there. My Tibetan decorations (acquired in Rome by a dear Tibetan monk) are hanging from my windows and walls, and the tiny antiques I've been able to carry with me decorate my sill bringing me a sense of ease and calm on the tired nights home. The time I've allotted for my London stay have unfortunately or fortunately, depending on the day, become shorter- I am now forced to go home December 19th making my last day at work December 17th... to be home. Oh to be home, to be with family, to be there for family, to feel the changes and to put up with the duty of being the strength for a change. It's hard to hear about family news being so far away and feeling the uselessness of not being able to do anything when so much doing is needed. I have been forced to determine the powerlessness that has come with the title of a nomadic traveller- the detached importance of my position in my family are vague when felt from so far away, and I can say with all my being that I have never been happier to be with family. As most people know, the words that are synonymous with Conneely are: close, together, strong, big, giving, there for each other at all times. The latter I'm afraid I have become less and less a definition of. It's almost easier to forget about the immediacy of situations when being away, and the effect of impacting changes becomes less grave- which is something I never wanted to feel... and am unfortunately guilty of feeling. However I know that come 2 months from now I will be front and center in the middle of it all forced to take it all in again, but this time from a first hand perspective. I know that at times we are called to do certain things with our life, to work, to travel, to learn, to teach, to experience, to witness, to love, to laugh, to cry, to feel, most of those I tend to do pretty well, however to be there for family when you are most needed- this is something I have not done for a bit now, and something I look forward to doing with all of my heart and all of my being.
On a non familial note- I have taken my original bucket list which I first formed when I was meant to be in London for 6 months and scratched most but one of the items realizing that ultimately a bucket list becomes all the things you most want from the time you are given. And for me, it comes as no surprise, that the things I most want (still) are to experience new cultures, and see new visions of wonder around the world. What I still desire in my very soul is to be surrounded by different smells, sights, and emotions cause by a surrounding that is in its entirety completely different than anywhere I have been before. So what am I on about??...
I have finally (after 2 years since moving to London) purchased my train ticket to Stratford Upon Avon- the place I've been thinking and wondering about since moving- the place I used to tell myself I'd " hang out" in... however that place is a little more than 2 hours away and as it turns out leaving London for anywhere within the UK has proven a lot harder than i thought. So.. i will be visiting Shakespeare's birthplace, the home he wrote many masterpieces in, and the grave he was laid to rest within. I will also get away from London City for a bit which is always nice to remind ourselves that we live surrounded by so much more than buildings and noise.. I have tried to maintain a personal rule or goal if you will- to travel every other week before I move back.. or something close. So For the moment i am planning on visiting Stratford upon Avon this weekend, Amsterdam for Halloween weekend, Lisbon (work permitting), Beirut to visit with Tamara for a weekend (yay!) Bath with some of the close friends I've made in London, and ultimately (and this is the one I'm most looking forward to as I've been wanting to land within this country for years..) Morocco.. I'm aiming to make it out to Fes for a day after landing in Marrakesh.. And then a week later- I take off for the golden gate bridge! It's still surreal to think about and very scary at the same time. But nothing has ever felt so right, and so necessary in my life than moving back home. It's now truly time, my time, to shine, my time to feed my soul with something more than just travel..as hard as that may be- it's time to buy a bed, to make friends who I will celebrate more than one birthday with, and to allow myself to follow my dreams and finally put in place the tools I need to start my own non profit within the arts, theater, and film. I can't wait to begin the path I have dreamt about for so many years. And I can't think of a better place to begin, than where that dream started- the good ol' city by the bay.

No longer shall I be a Gypsy

At least not until the end of January, when I shall pack up my worldly belongings yet again and move onwards.. west. Today August 31st is the first time I have had my own room in the past 3 months. The past 3 months living out of a suitcase have been swell and all, but my back was beginning to hurt from all the bending over and the wrinkled clothes really weren't making an impression at work.
Oh who am I kidding, I don't iron.
In all seriousness, it feels great to finally be able to exhale thinking I don't have to move for another 5 months. I don't have to buy anything, other than hangars (I've probably accumulated over 500 hangars in the past 2 years) and sheets- again have about 5 sets all over the world. But they're just things, material things.
To be honest I've been thinking about things lately, how we become so tied to things, how things determine our worth, our status, even small things we place so much value to them that if they happen to go missing, our lives shatter before our very eyes. We suddenly get a depressed feeling of worthlessness a feeling of loss, and a yearning for the good old days when all the things we owned were perfectly placed in our undisturbed lives.
Maybe its just me, but I think part of my chronic nomadism as I've come to call my travelling condition, comes from my complete contradictory love of acquiring things, accumulating small treasures from all corners of the world, and then leaving them behind, tucked away is a safe box, beautiful things like a flamenco poster bought on the street of Madrid ( over two years ago) which I have yet to hang once on a wall. Granted I haven't owned or even rented a wall for more than a year over the past couple of years, but I'm starting to thing all things aren't meant to be stored and kept away, some materials in our life remind us of where we've been and calm us in our path for what's to come. I find that without those reminders of my journey, I feel a new journey begin to form within me, and the familiar restless feeling of packing up and moving on becomes ever too close to home. So for now, I will enjoy my tiny little room in my tiny little flat, and make the most of a time which I shall call tranquil time. For now.

It's funny where the path can take you

When you keep your head down. I've gone from a year in London, to 9 months (what seemed like 9 yrs) in Abu Dhabi to a current 2 months in London about to be 5 more, then finally making it back home or as close to home as I will get in the US- California.
That's the plan as it stands today, the purpose and the goal of my next step and my next move, is something that I hold so near and dear to my heart, that it's hard to sit back and wait, willing it to come back to me as strong as it once was.
I feel that at times I've held myself back in my own fear of letting go of the world I have known for the past 4 years. But what I fail to remind myself of, is that the first 21 years before that, one thing and one thing alone moved me to act. My passion. Passion for art, theater, film, music, talent, inspiration, passion for life, and love and not to sound cheesy ( as if that hasn't already happened) passion for myself. That passion which had me daring and blaring into every corner of the world literally exploring the boundaries of my capabilities and pushing myself to be the person I had always envisioned... that is what I'm looking for once more, what I think we all tend to lose somewhere along the way, and as we grow spurts come back to us now and again. But I remember when spurts formed it all and the passion was present at all times. I want that back, and am ready to get myself back to that place of inspiration and ambition. All it takes is that first step out into the unknown.